Battle of the Burnout

Lately, I have been feeling the weight of everything I once dreamed of. I am fortunate to be a remote worker. I get to hang out with my dog every day, I have my own home, etc. On paper, life looks perfect, and yet I feel like I am drowning.

I have this horrible habit of ignoring what my body is telling me because I should be grateful. I should be nicer. I should smile more. I’m stuck in this constant loop of “shoulds”, afraid to let myself feel anything real because I have “so much going for me that most people dream of”. Behind closed doors, practicing gratitude was not protecting me from burnout.

What my peers do not see is that I am the employee on my team bearing the workload of what was once five people. They do not see that no matter how carefully I budget, the cost of living keeps climbing. They do not see that no matter how much I try to stay afloat, it seems like the ocean is getting deeper. For the longest time, I assumed I was battling high-functioning anxiety and depression. My mind never stops; it’s like the Energizer Bunny. I never realized I was actually battling burnout until recently.

What is burnout? Burnout is a state in which you’re feeling overworked, overwhelmed, or unappreciated past the point of exhaustion. It’s like swimming in the middle of the ocean with slowly deflating arm floaties. You fight to stay above water, but your energy keeps slipping away until the floaties can’t hold you anymore. For a while, I used to laugh at this analogy until I realized this is actually how I am living my life, and my arm floaties are almost empty.

In the beginning, I mentioned I thought I was battling only anxiety and depression. I asked my doctor to increase my medication dosage in hopes that this was my “cure-all”. I then began controlling my schedule down to the minute. I thought I was doing the right things, but I kept asking myself, “What’s the point?”. Within the last year of my career, my department of five people shrank to one employee: me. No raise. No promotion. No recognition. Only higher expectations. I think about quitting every day, but I can’t. The job market is tightening, and hiring freezes are beginning. Financially, I do not have the option to walk away.

So what did I do to solve this? Nothing. I let it consume me. My 5:00 am workouts disappeared, showering became a chore, my hobbies grew pointless, and my home became a wreck. I couldn’t even get myself to think about dinner, let alone plan one. I was running on fumes while also putting the emotional burden on my poor husband; I was sobbing every day and living daily in fight-or-flight mode. I wanted to change everything overnight, to find a new job, make more money, escape this cycle. But burnout doesn’t let you think rationally. It convinces you that if you’re not doing everything, you’re failing.

Burnout is not only from a job. It can also seep into your personal life. It’s the mental exhaustion from checking in on friends, cleaning, cooking, paying bills, worrying about money, and worrying about worrying. Mathematically, I gave 9 hours per day to my job and maybe 1-2 hours to fix my personal life before bed. I was surviving on autopilot until one day, I didn’t want to keep going at all.

This was not a healthy way of thinking, so I decided to take action and follow my own rules:
1. I am one person; I cannot do everything alone.
2. Nothing needs to be done right now.
3. Stop setting impossible goals.
4. Stop setting impossible deadlines.

I started with small, realistic challenges of my own. I began journaling every day. I write about every emotion I am experiencing, why I am experiencing it, and how it makes me feel. My favorite thing about journaling is that it is my own personal outlet. I can be as raw or as gentle as I need to be. I don’t fear judgment from my peers because my journal is that, MINE.

Then I joined a choir again! In my previous blog post, Taking the Leap in my 20s, I talked about giving up music. Before I auditioned, I dusted off my piano and began to play. It was the first time in a long time that a piece of music did not cause me immense stress and panic. I am finally at a place where I can enjoy choir without focusing on my imperfections. I am there to have fun, not make a career out of it.

I also created my own book club! I really could have joined one of my local book clubs, but I love creating things, and I wanted to enjoy something with my closest friends and family members. It will be a slow and steady creation, but I look forward to watching it grow. My friends who do not typically read are reading more, and I am already hearing positive feedback on how the book club is helping them mentally.

Finally, I learned to say no. No, I cannot take on extra work. No, I won’t complete tasks outside of my pay grade. Have I received pushback? Absolutely! Do I care? A lot less than I used to. This confidence to say no to people did not come easily. It took months of practice, research, and courage. Every time I say no, I remind myself that I am protecting my peace, and I will not apologize for it.

These changes did not happen overnight. It took months of unlearning, rebuilding, and patience. I had talked about joining a book club for 2 years; I recently created my own last month. I had been overloading myself at work since July 2, 2024; I recently learned how to set boundaries. I used to spiral when I sang a wrong note; now I laugh, breathe, and keep going. Progress is never instant, but it is real.

If you are feeling burned out, take a pause, step back, and reflect on what’s causing it. Write about it, talk about it, take small intentional actions on it, and don’t ignore it. Every step is progress, even if it’s small. Listen to your body. Honor your limits. Grow freely! You’ve got this!