Taking the Leap In My 20s

The scariest thing I have ever done was face my own fears. Why in the world would I face them head-on if I can run away from them or hope someone else will pop out of thin air and save me? (Running away sounds more promising).

In my late teens and early 20s, I was a professional at running away from my problems. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d probably have more medals than Olympic runner, Allyson Felix. Too bad this sport is not beneficial to anyone’s health or well-being.

During my undergrad, I used to keep my schedule jam-packed. I took 17 credit hours, worked 40 hours per week, participated in 3 different choirs, went to the gym everyday, and somehow had a social life. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Sierra, how in the world did you manage this kind of lifestyle?” EASY! I would have rather lost sleep, ate one less meal, or morph into a human zombie if it meant that I did not have to face what was right in front of me; my mental health. This behavior became normal to me. It was normal for me to fully pack my schedule so I did not have to face my own thoughts or self reflect. I was the most miserable and unhappy person to be around. There was not a single positive thought in my mind.

I really want to emphasize the term, NORMAL. Humans are naturally creatures of habit. Once we get into a routine or comfortable habit, it becomes our “normal” (like sitting in the same seat in a classroom every session, even though it was not assigned). Living in survival mode was my normal, and I did this for YEARS! I did not realize I was doing this until my former college professor brought it to the surface and said, “Sierra, are you sure you are not constantly jam packing your schedule to avoid something more serious?”

I did not know how to answer. I thought this was blasphemy! How could someone possibly believe that me, an over achiever and perfectionist, is using all of these extracurriculars to run away from something else under the surface? So I acted on my anger and emotions.

I left class. How dare and educated individual personally attack me like that?

Of course I took it as a personal attack. I vented to all of my friends and family because they always PRAISED the fact that I could take on anything and still somehow accomplish it. I was the poster child of what it means to hustle and achieve everything on my own. On the outside I looked like I could accomplish anything, and I did… Mostly… On the inside, I was formulating my own demise.

I was in a very dark place and kept jam packing my schedule to the point I was busy with everything and everyone else. Keeping myself busy was the only thing keeping the fire inside me from blowing out. I was doing everything I could to avoid helping myself.

This behavior continued for nearly ten years. Ten years of shoving my problems so far under the water that I eventually started drowning. The pressure hurt worse than the days I could barely breathe. I finally crashed when everything shut down during the covid pandemic. I could no longer attend choir and I didn’t have hours of college courses to keep me occupied. All I had was my job and my thoughts.

So what did I do? I hit rock bottom. I was struggling to try and find anything and everything to keep me busy, but there was nothing. Everything was closed, except for my spiraling mind.

I spiraled hard. I felt like I completely lost myself as a person because I made my identity work, school, and choir. My social life plummeted while we were practicing social distancing. I no longer had an outlet to avoid facing my biggest fear; myself. I tried all of the self-help recommendations I found on Google (yoga, at-home exercising, journaling, etc.), but nothing was helping. It was not helping because I was not ready to be helped. Being in survival mode for 10+ years had a sort of toxic comfort to it; survival and I were well-acquainted. Once I realized how intensely this negative behavior was effecting my quality of life, I signed myself up for therapy.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because the smiling, happy girl you see in the above photos had undiagnosed depression and anxiety, and did not know it. No one saw it on the outside, and no one encouraged me to seek help. No one was coming to “save me”. Who would have thought that one simple question would have sparked a major change in my life. That one question reignited my fire, and it changed my life for the better.

How did I finally get better? There is no magic answer here. I had to want to get better. No one could decide this for me and no one could save me. I took some intense steps of my own to ensure I could get better.

I started with facing the one thing that I believed to be my passion, music.

Music had been a dream of mine for most of my life. I taught myself to play multiple instruments, took intense voice lessons, and took on roles in musical theater all because I was married to the idea of becoming someone “special”. But what if he dream was actually a nightmare cloaked in sunshine and unicorns? Unfortunately for me, my music dream was a nightmare. I bent over backwards to fit in practice time to always feel less than someone or something else. I put in time and effort into becoming someone I envisioned for myself, but the vision of that person was perfectly impossible to obtain. It wasn’t until after I received my Music Business degree that i realized the dream wasn’t wanting to be some successful musician that people enjoyed. It was to become loved and accepted by people. Once released the dream, I started to notice the red flags and impossible standards that ignored. I was no longer shackled to the weight of becoming a successful musician. Once I closed my music binder and stored it in the attic, I felt free.

While letting go of music, I zoomed in on my circle of friends and family. I started to analyze their behaviors, body language, and effort with me. Turns out, most of my circle were actually enemies disguised as friends or close family members. You know what they say, you attract what you are, and I was already my own worst enemy. I cut those people out of my life; cold turkey. It was not a “burn the bridge” event. It was more of an Irish goodbye; the good ‘ol disappear without saying anything. Some of those people did not notice my disappearance. Some of them did and they were harder to let go, but I did it anyways.

Lastly, I quit my retail job and decided to pursue other careers. I earned my real estate license, opened my own short-lived candle business, developed a board of directors for a local choir, and took the leap to apply for jobs similar to my degree (I could not let all 7 years of college go to waste). Work is something I still struggle with, but I have made significant progress. I no longer dread getting out of bed in the morning.

How does this relate to you? Well, change begins with you. You have to really want to change or want to become better. This is something that has to be earned through hard work, dedication, and sacrifice. If you do not want to change, then it will become a hated chore. It will feel like a lingering task that keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list (like actually using that gym membership and not saying “I’ll start tomorrow).

Never forget that everyone’s journey is different. My story is not to encourage you to quit your job, abandon long relationships, or give up your dream. It is to encourage you to step back, analyze items in your life, and then take action on improving them or releasing them.

Today, I can do things with the confidence and security I did not have in my past. The Sierra that held onto the music dream like it was her last dying breath would have never taken the leap to put herself out there and write a blog. She would have never improved her social life. She would have never tried a new career. She would have never become who she is now, and I think she would be proud.